i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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