WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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