He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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