I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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