Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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