before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize