Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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