Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
