I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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