Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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