I will die if light touches me.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
