Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
