I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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