Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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