My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
