I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
