in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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