watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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