had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize