i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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