he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize