I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize