Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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