i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
