I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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