It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
