my vag is so smooth its legendary
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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