Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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