You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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