The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize