Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
