I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I take back everything I said about communal showers
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
