How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
