I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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