Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The power of my boobs compel you
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
