I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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