This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
