I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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