i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
