Your face is a jimmy john
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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