3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The maid of honor just puked.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Vodka?
Forever.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
