Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
