My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
