I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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