dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
