It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
