Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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