Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
