My friends, they love my intelligence
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
