Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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