Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
