Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
