The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
