please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
