Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
