I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
