Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
