I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
