mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
